Want to (finally!!) meet your goals? Here’s how.
TL:DR - Start SMALL.
Did you know that 92% of New Year's resolutions fail by February? But what if I told you it's not about willpower—it's about redesigning your approach?
Most of us have heard that most New Year’s resolutions drop off by February… March at the latest.
Second week of January? Just me?
Lots of folks get tired of trying to make any habit change. Year after year, they’ve accumulated a tidy pile of failed resolutions. Evidence that change isn’t possible.
But it is. And you likely need to change your approach.
To meet a goal, you have to adjust your habits.
To adjust your habits you need to start small… no, smaller than that.
By starting small, you’ll accumulate small (but plentiful) wins.
Small, plentiful wins build confidence, maintain motivation, and help to build discipline.
i.e. you’ll meet your goals.
Easy peasy, right?
well…
We’ll walk through four foundational steps of how to do this, practically speaking, but first, let’s talk why this works, physiologically.
The Motivation Molecule: Dopamine
To over simplify, dopamine helps keep us motivated. It is responsible for helping to regulate mood, and gives us a feeling of happiness and/or satisfaction when we do something and get a positive outcome. But dopamine isn’t only released in the brain when we get an outcome. It is also released as we take actions towards our goals, and as we anticipate getting a positive outcome, creating a virtuous cycle.
This dopamine pathway is challenged, of course, by activities that hijack the system — social media, certainly (likes and notifications ping dopamine… screen addiction anyone?), along with alcohol and substance use, pornography use, excessive shopping. These activities, or any that create a reward without meaningful action, impair our inherent reward system. High dopamine release in response to these kinds of activities desensitizes the dopamine receptors in the brain, causing loss of pleasure in previously enjoyable activities (anhedonia) and low motivation.
Depressive symptoms, incidentally.
Which, of course, make behavior change far more difficult.
It behooves you then, before you get started, to evaluate your current habits and think about ways to scale back on those that are hijacking the system.*
Step 1: Make an Honest Appraisal
High school through college and graduate school, and moving to the West coast, I ran. Slowly, but regularly. Sometime towards the end of naturopathic school I dropped off, and during life post-COVID I did no favors for my cardiovascular health.
Not that I didn’t try to pick the habit back up. But after a week or two, I’d get shin splints, or tell myself I was too busy…
This past August, as my watch alerted me, yet again, to the deficits in my cardiovascular health (ugh…), I finally decided enough.
Perhaps you too have a former habit you’d like to pick back up — Running? Weight lifting? Having family dinner with your parents once a week? Attending a favorite networking event once a month?
Whatever it is, if you’re looking to make a change, make an honest assessment of where you are… NOW. Not where you’d like to be, not where you were last month or 5 years ago. What’s going on NOW.
In my case, I had to honestly look at my fitness, and what kinds of jumps in activity my body could reasonably handle. Also my schedule, and the amount of time I could reasonably devote to a new habit.
Things to consider include (not an exhaustive list):
What goals did I set before, and why did they fail?
What’s your schedule looking like these days?
How much time can you REALISTICALLY devote to what you’re wanting to do?
What’s my energy like?
If I pick up this habit, on a scale of 0-10 (0 being NOT at all, 10 being ABSOLUTELY!) how sustainable will it be (given the above factors)?
Step 2: Change 1 Thing
Change ONE thing. Just the one. Not two, not ten, certainly not 20. Just ONE.
Some examples might be:
Change out your daily soda for water or tea (instead of overhauling your diet),
Spend 20-30 minutes per day gathering targeted leads on LinkedIn (instead of sending thousands of applications),
Set your phone away for 15 minutes before bedtime (instead of two hours before bed),
Set up a screen time limit on social media apps on your phone to remind you to close them down,
Take your credit card out of your wallet (physical and digital).
In my case, I started walking. 10,000 steps a day, 5 days a week.** I didn’t start running. I didn’t commit to hitting 10K steps 7 days a week. But 5 days? Doable.
Step 3: Give it Time
Changes don’t happen instantaneously. These things take TIME.
There’s a myth floating around that ‘it takes 21 days to form a habit!’ Does it though? Really, it takes more like two months, 66 days on average, to get a new habit really locked in.
If you’re ready to achieve the goals you’ve set, don’t cheat yourself out of the time it takes to build the foundation of strong habits to get you there.
During this time, you’re not just waiting around… you’re building up a library of small win after small win after small win. Journal these, use something like the Finch App or Habit App, text a friend, take a photo, whatever works to help keep your wins top of mind.
You slipped and had a soda in the morning, but only had water throughout the afternoon? WINNING.
You got bored of water and tried some tea? WINNING.
An unexpected issue came up, but you made a point to work on your leads for 15 min in the evening? WINNING.
You checked out a book at the library to make it easier to set your phone aside before bed? WINNING.
You slipped out of the office at lunch time to take a 15 min walk around the block? WINNING.
This is how you learn to love the process of achieving your goals. This is where real, helpful, wholesome dopamine builds up. Through taking action towards your goals, and giving yourself a ‘reward’ for taking that action.
Tack up the small wins, one by one, and motivation and discipline become part and parcel with who you are, simply because it feels pretty darn good.
Do remember that this takes TIME. It’s not a one and done. Just like you don’t brush your teeth once as a kid and never again throughout life. Stay persistent.
Step 4: Rinse and Repeat
Just because changes take a little while doesn’t mean you’re not paying attention throughout the process. Take a few minutes, maybe once every week to couple of weeks and assess what’s working, what’s not working.
If it feels too easy, scale up a notch.
You’ve been off soda, you’re feeling better, and you want to make more significant changes — explore switching out all or half your morning bagel for scrambled eggs and chicken sausage.
You’re taking daily 15 minute walks and it feels too easy — add another 15 minute walk somewhere else in the day, or start carrying dumb bells when you go.
You’ve been accumulating leads and have started reaching out, and you’re feeling comfortable in your routine — is there an ask you’ve been afraid to make? Start making it.
On the other hand, if it feels too hard, or you’re missing more days than not, scale it back.
Water’s gross, you don’t want to drink it, and you’re craving soda — switch ONE drink per day to the diet version of your preferred soda or a sugar/calorie free bubble water.
15 minute walks are hard to come by, you’re too busy — do 2-5 bodyweight squats on a bathroom break.
You’ve been collecting leads on LinkedIn maybe 2 days out of the 5 you’re shooting for, and cold calling or messaging makes you break out in a cold sweat — audit the contacts you already have; call or message one per day to schedule an informational interview and/or ask for introductions.
You get the idea.
Bonus Step: Troubleshooting
Sometimes folks don’t achieve their goals or make changes because they’ve bitten off more than they can chew.
But there may be other reasons. A few things to consider:
Are you messing with your dopamine system, getting quick hits from places that aren’t meaningful? See above section… start here, cutting back. If you’re hooked on cannabis daily, take a portion of your use away (eg 3/4 of an edible rather than the whole thing, or 3 joints instead of 4). If drinking is a problem, check out resources like AA, Smart Recovery, and/or work with a healthcare provider for support. Delete social media apps from your phone, and/or set timers on apps you’re not ready to get rid of. Cut back on pornography use. If these changes sound absolutely overwhelming, it’s time to get professional help.
Is it challenging enough to be engaging for you? If things are too easy, it’s easy to ignore them. Up the challenge factor so that you have something to work towards you can sink your teeth into.
Is the goal you’ve set something you want, or something someone else wants for you? Whose voice do you hear in your mind when you’re thinking about working towards a particular goal? Is it your track coach from college telling you not to waste your potential, but you really can’t stand running? Do you hear your parents saying that anyone respectable must be making multiple six figures, but you’re really quite happy with a modest living? Be honest about where your goals are coming from. Setting your goals will make them infinitely easier to meet than trying to appease those of the folks around you.
Is the step simply too big. Yes, we keep harping on this, but because I see so many folks stumble here. Please, please please, start SMALL. Smaller. Probably even a step smaller than that. I cannot tell you how many times I’ve heard from patients that they feel silly because they ‘only’ started having some protein at breakfast, or they ‘only’ starting drinking a glass of water in the morning, or they ‘only’ are doing some light stretches before they shower in the morning. But you know what? These folks who ‘only’ started these small habits feel better. And they’re more confident. Those ‘only’ habits invariably start to snowball into another ‘only’ habit, and again and again and again… often over the course of a year to 18 months, they’re very nearly a whole new person. Truly, this is where success is made.
Remember — you can achieve your goals. I see it happen for folks who’ve told themselves they can’t for years on end. I’ve been that person and have seen it happen for myself, too.
And, of course, best of wishes through the New Year and beyond, whether you’re gearing up for an overhaul, or are quite satisfied where things are at!
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*A brief note about ADHD — there are theories that implicate dopamine levels in various parts of the brain as a partial cause of ADHD symptoms (inattention, impulsivity, hyperactivity). This may be part of why folks with ADHD express significant difficulty with establishing new habits (also forgetfulness). If you’re someone with ADHD, I would add another step to leave very obvious cues to the habit you’re looking to form — leave supplements on your bedside in front of your alarm clock, or put your journal in front of your coffee pot in the mornings… Body doubling with a friend or co-worker can also be a big help as you’re working to establish new habits and keep you on track.
**Yes, I’m aware that the 10k step goal is controversial. The fact of the matter is that (generally speaking, and not in extremes) the more activity you get, the more fit you’ll be. Personally, wanting to get back to running half marathon distance, 10k steps was a good starting place for that goal.
Note: This post is intended for information and entertainment purposes only; nothing in this article or episode is a substitute for medical or mental health treatment; do not delay necessary medical care; please work with a qualified and licensed health care provider in your area.
